Posts Tagged ‘tiger woods’

(To the rhyme of eeny, meeny, miny, mo.)

What you hear just isn’t so:
Catch a tiger by its toe?
You see, that method’s bound to fail.
You catch a Tiger chasing tail.

My mother said to pick the very best one and HE is not it.

Sorry. I tried. I really did. To give Tiger a second chance, that is.  But as the Masters wore on, he wore out his welcome with me. The golfer told the world in a pre-tournament press conference that we’d see a different Tiger on the course. And we did. For the first couple of days, that is–when things were going his way. But on Sunday, when he got off to that shaky start, he was back to the old Tiger as evidenced by the following outbursts:

“Tiger, you suck.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“God damn it.”

And that was just what they caught on tape.

The gig’s up. The questionable things we used to chalk up to his fiery and competitive nature–the attitude, the language, the condescension– are now nothing more than garden-variety attributes of the jerk we know him to be. Woods may go down as the greatest golfer of all time, but unless the “new Tiger” looks a lot different than the one I saw at Augusta, he’ll be equally remembered for being a bad dude.

That’s why he should listen to me. After all, I’m no stranger to helping fallen sports heroes rebuild their image. Just ask Ben Roethlisberger.  And I’ve got the perfect idea for Tiger.

He should marry Kate Gosselin. That’s right. The one with all the kids. It’s widely reported that Woods and Elin are headed for divorce, so he’ll soon be a free man. And Kate’s the perfect mulligan.

Think about it. What better way for Tiger to rehabilitate his image than by proving he really is a family man, in spite of the nationwide, sexual buffet he so slothfully feasted on for the past several years? (There’s a Perkins joke in there somewhere that I wasn’t clever enough to pull off.)

And what better way to prove he’s a family man than by bunking up with a woman whose uterus was once larger than a downtown loft?

But the benefits of marrying Kate go well beyond image rehabilitation. Tiger and Kate would actually make a great couple. For dozens of reasons. Here are the top ten.

10. Tiger would be an excellent step-dad to Kate’s eight kids. Most men would have a hard time keeping up with all the names, but juggling eight names ain’t nothing for Tiger.

9. I’m no wildlife expert, but I’m near certain that a beaten-down tiger would get along pretty darn well with a nipped and tucked cougar.

8. If Tiger ever gets fed up with all the racket that comes with eight kids, he could always just pop one of his Ambien.

7. Kate’s on “Dancing with the Stars,” and word on the street is that Tiger likes dancers. A LOT.

6. Tiger could close his eyes each and every night knowing there’s a fighting chance that he’s sleeping next to someone whom people dislike even more than him.

5. Kate could close her eyes each and every night knowing there’s a fighting chance that she’s sleeping next to someone whom people dislike even more than her.

4. With the time commitment a new relationship requires, Tiger would be too busy to film any more creepy-ass commercials staring his dead dad.

3. Not that they don’t do a good job already, but together? Boy, oh boy, could they ever drive home that “sense of entitlement” concept to their kids.

2. Unlike Elin, Kate’ll think twice before taking a driver to Tiger should the cat ever decide to prowl. After all, with eight kids, there’s bound to be a witness.

1. And the number one reason Tiger should marry Kate Gosselin? They could have a reality show and call it “Tiger and Kate plus Eight,” where, depending on how the marriage goes, the “Eight” would refer to the number of children in their household, or the number of girlies Tiger cages on an average week.

So there you have it. I rest my case. Tiger should marry Kate as soon as his divorce is final.

I just hope they invite to the wedding. ‘Cause I’ve got a toast I’d like to give them.

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